Everything is Changing, Everything is Burning
by ColourmeLemon
Summary: "I don't know what the longing is for. It probably is for the childhood that's now over, but maybe it's also for a different childhood, one that I never had. And sadness from knowing that it's too late now." A look into Lily Evans' final year at Hogwarts, a year of growing up, of change, of darkness and of course, of love. LE/JP, Drama/Romance.
1. Chapter 1

**Everything Is Changing, Everything Is Burning**

Chapter 1

King's Cross platform nine and three quarters is once again teeming with people; the Hogwarts Express once again waiting to be slowly filled up with students and trunks and owls and cats and toads; it's engine spouting steam, fogging up the windows as people dressed in strange, colourful hats and long robes walk about waving goodbye to their beloved children for yet another school year.

A little away from the ruckus stands the Evans' family, sans the oldest child, Mrs. Evans giving rapid fire instructions to her younger daughter. "The engagement is in November and I want you there, you hear me? Don't give me excuses later saying you have to study and Dumbledore demands you stay or that some troll has attacked the school or something, are you listening Lily? You will come and you will be civil to your sister and her fiancé and to the guests, alright?"

"Yeah, mum I heard you the first five times, now can I please go, it's almost time?" Lily replies, exasperated, her eyes darting here and there, scanning the place for that bloody Benjy. She sighs, turns around to give her parents each a hug and picks up her two suitcases. "I'll send you a letter once I settle in, give Jill my love, Tuney - well, don't really care what you give her - and please both of you relax, okay? She's just getting engaged, don't get too stressed and try not to shout the house down." To which her mother sighs out a half-amused half-fed-up "Lily!" and her father only laughs. He has a nice laugh, loud and deep, and it immediately draws Benjy out from the crowd. "Lily! Finally! Uh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Evans! How are you?"

They quickly exchange pleasantries and after Mr. Evans gives Lily one final kiss and a "Have a great time", Lily and Benjy set off with her two suitcases and Helen, the Barn Owl. They make a striking couple; both tall and slender, Lily with her short, auburn hair, and Benjy with his thick, dark, curly mane, her skin as pale and littered with freckles as his is brown and smooth. The first years gape at them as they pass by, the 'Head Girl' badge gleaming at Lily's breast pocket. Another reason why everyone they pass stops to stare is the fact that they are loudly squabbling (and swearing) over who was supposed to call whom before leaving home.

"Oh God shut up, both of you. I do not want to start my last fucking year at school with the two of you fighting again," says Mary, a huge grin on her face as she waits by the door to one of the coaches. The three of them load Lily's suitcases into their compartment and the two girls embrace each other tightly. Mary is shorter than Lily and plumper, with long swinging black hair framing a very pretty, but mischievous face. "How long do you fucking take to board the fucking train! I had to send bloody Benjy out to get you."

Lily laughs as they swing the trunks underneath and the three of them sit down on top of the plush seats. Benjy promptly swings his legs over the edge, saying "Yeah, it was really hard spotting you; I think you've shrunk Lils." Lily rolls her eyes at him and says to Mary "Well, if you hadn't decided to go off to France for two whole months you fucking idiot, you might've seen me sooner. I was stuck with this guy and that Sophie. Where is she anyway?"

"I think she's gone to the prefect car – "

"Oh fuck! I'm the Head Girl!" Lily stands up, slapping her palm against her forehead.

"Yeah, we need to talk about that – "continues Mary but Lily is rummaging frantically through her sling bag for her wand and robes. "I'll be back in a while, all right? Shit! I was supposed to be there ages ago," and with that she runs out, hastily putting her robes on and slamming the door of the car shut.

* * *

"Shit. What did I miss?" She's standing next to Potter in the relative darkness of the back of the Prefect compartment. Andrew Matthews, one of the Hufflepuff Prefects is standing up front, saying something to the group of students seated before him, their backs to Lily. "Not much, surprisingly, considering you're a good twenty minutes late. I thought I was supposed to be the irresponsible one," Potter says softly, smirking a bit. "You still are," she whispers back, startled at how deep his voice sounds. And startled that she even noticed. And that her heart seems to be racing still. "How were the hols? Our last ones, eh?" He asks, looking ahead at Matthews who is very passionately explaining the rules to using the Prefect Bathroom.

"They were alright, nothing special. Yeah, sucks that this is the end right?" Lily turns to look up at him but looks down almost immediately. They're too close together and her face burns. So she continues to stare straight ahead. "How were yours?"

"The same. Met up with the others a lot, played a bit of quidditch, you know". He also continues to look ahead as he replies, both of them focused on Matthews like he is delivering a sermon. They're both wearing their robes, badges pinned on the left and he smells of soap and some vague cologne and a bit of sweat. He's still nearly a head taller than Lily and his hair is the same unruly dark mass. His glasses are still a bit crooked on the nose. And Lily can tell all this without even having to look at him. She's nodding her head in reply but then remembers that he can't see her, he's still watching that Matthews, so she opens her mouth to say something but then he walks off to the front and she realizes that the Prefect has finished speaking. And she follows him.

They're supposed to address the other prefects, being the Head students, but she doesn't remember what to say; fortunately he does all the talking. She just stands there, mute, sweating and nauseous; too fucking aware of his presence next to her to think. After he finishes she flashes a smile and mutters a "good luck" to the Prefects as they get up to leave. She signals to Sophie that she'll join her later. Potter's leaving too and she follows him out into the aisle, blurting out "Where are you going?" when he doesn't turn back. He turns back at that, thank God, and walks back to where she is standing. She can finally see his face now. His jaw has become squarer. His face is tanned, the scar on his lip from last year still intact. "I'm going back to where Sirius and the others are. Where are you going?"

"Um, same, back to where Benjy and the others are," Her hand itches to touch it. The scar. The one he got trying to save her last year. He got several, far bigger ones as well, but this one is the only one visible. Her stomach churns.

"Lily, are you alright?" His forehead creases in concern. "I'm fine. Just hungry," she says as she runs her hand through her hair. It's a habit she's developed.

"What's wrong? Do you need something?"

"Uh, no I forgot what I wanted to ask. Fuck it. I'll go back now. I'm sorry. We have to meet to take the first years to the boats right?"

"Yeah, we do. Eat something before that, yeah?" He's still frowning, but his lips have curved into a half smile. He looks like an adult. That's what's different about him, she realizes. The glint in his eyes is harder somehow; more tired, more serious. The realization hits her like a physical blow. She needs to get out of his sight before she throws up or something. She mutters a quick "Yeah, I'll see you later," and turns abruptly. She doesn't turn around to see the confused look on his face. Or the flash of longing that follows it. She's too busy worrying about her own guts trying to squeeze her lunch out of her. She's sure the feeling is inspired by him because the further she walks away from him, the slower her heart beats and the more easily she is able to breathe.

Oh God, Lily breathes out. She isn't sure exactly what it is that bothers her the most; is it guilt? Or the fact that they haven't really talked about what happened since it happened last year? Or is it that disturbing kiss they shared that neither seems to have the guts to bring up? She slides open the door to her compartment, where Benjy and Mary are enjoying a laugh and sits down quietly beside the window. They fall silent at the sight of her face. "Met Potter?" Benjy asks. "Yeah. Same old shit". Lily stares out of the window at the passing fields. She can't say anything to anyone. Not even Benjy or Mary.

Neither of them know the whole story, since Dumbledore had sworn her to secrecy. How could he have not, considering the secret was not hers to share; it was not her life that would be destroyed if it ever came out. But they are her closest friends and so they know that something happened; they know she nearly lost her life, and they know that Potter is the reason she survived. They know not to ask for more details. They know she hasn't fully recovered. They know to give her space when she needs it.

So she has her space. They thankfully ignore her after that; Sophie joins them eventually and Lionel and a few other people drop in to say hello, but Lily tunes out of further conversation, grateful to be able to just sit back and enjoy the blue sky, the puffy clouds, the occasional herd of cows that pass. She hasn't yet told either Mary or Benjy of the confusion that Potter brings out in her. She hasn't told them about the kiss either; that wasn't part of the secret she'd sworn to keep and yet, every time she tries to just say the fucking words, something stops her. And she's glad for that something because there's no way she can really explain what she herself doesn't understand, right?

* * *

Hogsmeade station rolls into view and Lily sighs at the beauty of the sight. The yellow lanterns glow like blotches of paint against the dark night and she can just make out the massive shadowy figure of Hagrid waiting for them as always. She stands up to re-fasten her robes and announces "This is going to be one motherfucker of a year." Benjy gives a short bark of a laugh and Mary just looks amused. "Why do you say that?" She asks, just as a loud cry of "Get out of my fucking way, you filthy Mudblood!" is heard from the corridor right outside. Mary's eyes widen in shock. Benjy doubles over laughing. And Lily just shakes her head, grinning, as she picks up her wand and turns towards the door. "What'd I tell you? I just had a feeling. And when I've got a feeling," she grins, singing, "A feeling a deep inside, oh yeah –," She slides open the door to see Potter holding some Slytherin kid by the collar as Benjy finishes with her – "Oh yeah that's right!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The Great Hall is lit up in sweeping yellow lamps and bright starry skies, the ghosts wandering around, students chattering away happily when finally Lily enters ( _thankfully_ , she had half-expected thunder and silence after the fight that broke out on the Express, that she and Potter had to deal with; McGonagall had looked extremely grim when they delivered the troublemaker responsible). After safely transporting the nervous first years, Potter and her could now enjoy their first night back.

She catches Rowlanda's eye at the Ravenclaw table as she makes way to her own and waves; Kate, who's sitting right next to her winks at her and Lily grins back, blushing. Up at the teacher's table Slughorn seems to be lecturing a very disinterested Flitwick.

"Probably telling him about how the new Minister for Magic would wipe his arse with perfume after kissing it, _back in the day"_ , Potter whispers to her. She snorts and looks up at him. They're walking shoulder to shoulder now. He smirks back at her.

She sits down next to Mary at the Gryffindor table and sees Potter slide down next to Sirius, just two seats away. Remus is sitting opposite to Lily, beside Benjy and nods at her as she sits. They seem to be engaged in a very serious conversation and Lily nudges Mary, ever-so slightly jerking her head towards them. Mary smothers a grin.

The first years enter the Hall in nervous lines and Lily looks up at the teacher s table again. In place of Professor Sutter, their former Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher, is a rather young woman, with very pale skin and flowing dark hair. Lily blinks. She turns and catches Dumbledore s eye. She smiles. He doesn't, but his eyes seem to twinkle a little harder through his glasses.

The Sorting Hat begins its customary song and they all fall silent as they turn towards the head table.

Then Benjy suddenly leans across and says, "Zach isn't coming back."

"What!?" Mary exclaims.

"Yeah. He obviously wanted to, but after what happened last year, his mum refused to let him come back. Went bat shit crazy at his dad. She almost broke his wand," Benjy says, his face solemn.

"Do you blame her? She's muggle. She doesn't know anything about this world; she's already suspicious of it and then she finds out her kid got attacked because of who his mother is, she's bound to get scared, don't you think?" Remus says, unusually fierce. Lily nods in silence. She knows where his anger is coming from, and the knowledge does not make her any less uneasy. Then Sirius says something in his ear and he looks away.

The Sorting has begun but they just continue to talk, clapping mechanically every time the Hat calls out the name of a house. Lily is mostly silent, despite the pointed looks Mary keeps throwing at her; watching the others arguing loudly over Zachary William's decision. His had been the first attack the school had witnessed in a long time. His mother was muggle, father muggleborn. He had been the kind of student who enjoyed rubbing it in the faces of the purebloods; always humming Led Zepplin, flaunting band tshirts, talking about football in the same breath as quidditch. Lucius Malfoy had performed the Cruciatus on him, in Hogsmeade, where he'd come to visit his fiancee, Narcissa Black. Sirius' cousin. Sirius has his hand on Remus shoulder right now, whispering furiously. Remus looks tired.

Lily looks over to the Hufflepuff table, at the flushed, smiling face of the first year who just sat down. She's high-fiving an older student seated next to her. Lily wonders if she's muggleborn. A boy named Incus Selwyn walks grinning to the Slytherin table to loud applause. She suddenly feels exhausted, hopeless to the core. What in God's name have we done to the world, she wonders. Try as they might to not think about it, the only thing on everyone's mind was the war raging outside Hogwarts walls. And the sight of happy, clueless children only heightened that thought, worsened the dread.

* * *

The Head Boy and Head Girl had to make their way to the Principal's Office as soon as students dispersed to their dorms. The passages become more and more silent, the further they go from the Great Hall. Lily and Potter are walking at a leisurely pace, drinking in the familiar smells and sights, her mind racing to process the absolute absurdity of the situation; she's walking down a deserted corridor with James Fucking Potter; the boy who annoyed the hair off her head just two years ago; who is today single-handedly responsible for her suffering from what she can only think is a serious heart problem; the prankster who has been in detention more times than she can dream of; who is now the bloody Head Boy! What on earth Dumbledore was smoking when he made that decision, God only knows, though he hasn't been that bad so far -

Suddenly Potter asks, "What are you planning to do, after all this?"

Lily cocks an eyebrow. "By this do you mean meeting Dumbledore, or after finishing school?"

"After finishing school."

"Uh, well, I've always wanted to be a healer - "

"Really?" Potter looks surprised. "I didn't know that."

Lily wants to say you don't know much about me, but continues anyway, " _But_ that takes another five years of training, and with the war going on," She doesn't need to complete. He nods and for a moment they're both silent.

Then Lily asks, "What about you?"

Potter gives her his infamous smirk. "Auror. Always wanted to be one, and now I guess they need them more than ever."

"Well, you still have to train first. How many years is it? Four?"

"Three. And a half, I think." Potter shrugs. "Maybe even less, given the circumstances. Why aren't you considering it? We need you! Everyone knows you're fucking brilliant."

Lily tries to be nonchalant. "I'm not that brilliant and I have considered it; I don't know, I just - I don't think I can kill people."

"You might not have that choice much longer. Besides, everybody can kill people", Potter says darkly. "Trust me, it's in there, buried somewhere deep inside you."

For some reason this rubs her the wrong way.

"I'd rather not, thanks", She says in a huff.

They've reached the gargoyle. Potter looks irritated and is about to say something but she cuts him off.

"Fizzing Whizbees", Lily mutters.

The gargoyle's wings groan like muted thunder as they unfold and the two of them make their way up in resentful silence. Fuck, thinks Lily. Just when I was about to celebrate how we're past all the stupid squabbling. I'd forgotten how annoying he was. Stupid, presumptuous, prick. She glances up at him and the mutinous expression on his face tells her he feels the same way. Then all of a sudden, all her anger dissolves and she wants to laugh at the stupidity of the situation.

"Ah, there you are!"

Dumbledore peers at them through his half-moon spectacles, leaning forward on his desk, his fingers entwined and resting before him on the surface. He stands up as they walk towards him and Lily finds herself grinning widely in response.

"Let's get straight to business", he sits down and gestures to the two seats in front of him. His office looks exactly as it always does, yellow and huge; yet somehow, welcoming. Fawkes sits to the Headmaster's right, perched on the golden handle. He seems to be mid-moult; with small red feathers emerging haphazardly, giving him the appearance of having tumbled out of a washing machine. The Headmaster's fingers tap on the desk, calling her back to the task at hand.

"No doubt you are already aware of your formal duties as Head Students. Some of them are, I'm afraid, rather tedious, but that comes with any kind of responsibility. To make up for all the thankless hours of work you put into this job, you will have separate rooms to yourselves, as you are probably already aware."

Dumbledore pauses at this, as though searching for the words and then continues, "The last thing I want to do is ruin this lovely evening with talk of Voldemort, but I'm afraid not even we, here at Hogwarts are safe from his influence." The word Voldemort falls out of his mouth so easily it's almost as if it's part of his usual, post-dinner conversation with everyone. It probably is, thinks Lily darkly.

"You are well aware of several of our own students who intend to join his cause, and many of them, you already know, are very vocal about it too."

Dumbledore sighs, and for the first time ever, Lily sees exhaustion in his eyes. "They will try to cause trouble. They will advertise their intentions and they will bully those who won't support them. The younger students are particularly vulnerable. Not just from attack, but also from influence. I don't expect you to protect them all the time, it isn't humanely possible; but, you must guide them. Listen to them. Give them courage. Inspire them to stand up for themselves. That is what a leader must do and I would not have not appointed the two of you if I wasn't convinced of your abilities."

He smiles at them at that, some of the twinkle returning to his eyes. He stands up and so do they, as he continues, "As for the troublemakers, we must help them see the error in their beliefs. For many of them, I fear, it is too late," He hesitates for a second, "But it is our duty to keep fighting, as long as good remains."

He spreads his arms wide and says, "Hogwarts is our home, and we must protect our home from people who wish to destroy it. Out here, as well as in here", he pats himself over the heart. "Do you wish to ask me anything?"

They shake their heads in silence.

"Well, that's all for today, now off to bed! Good night!" And saying so, he promptly sits down, opens a book and waves them off.

* * *

Neither of them speak on their way back; both lost deep in their own thoughts. They both hesitate when they reach the door. Potter turns to look her straight in the eyes. "That's the end of the first day then. Well. Good night", he says, almost formally, even though his lips curl just a bit, and there's a strange light playing in his eyes. Lily doesn't even try to suppress her grin.

"I'll admit, I thought Dumbledore was off his rocker for making you Head, but you weren't so bad."

He bows, unable to keep his smile from breaking out. For some reason, this maddens her and makes her laugh at the same time.

"Chocolate Frog", says Potter as the door swings open and he gestures to Lily to enter.

"Good night, prick."

"Good night, Mother Mary", comes Potter's deep voice from the stairs to the boy's dormitories as Lily splutters incredulously in reply.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Nice work, Head Boy. Dumbledore would be proud."

James Potter turns around, cigarette in his mouth, to see Lily walking up to him. He grins at her, before blowing out a puff of smoke.

"Dumbledore would join me if he were here. Don't underestimate him".

"Sure he would," scoffs Lily in reply. She can feel her heart thudding as she accepts the cig he offers her. Lighting it up, drawing the smoke in, breathing out into the night. They're standing side by side in one of the numerous castle corridors, facing one of the numerous glowing gardens it hides. The half-moon is out and the layer of green outside is tinged with silver.

"I don't think we've ever shared a smoke before, Evans. This is nice. Better than noisy first years and never-ending detentions. And the first week isn't even done yet." He leans back against the pillar as he says this, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Anything's better than that," says Lily in reply. But he's right. It is nice. She can feel her shoulders relaxing, the nicotine soothing the knots in her brain.

"All the other Prefects done with their rounds?" He asks.

"Yep. Done and gone to bed. We're the last ones out. Let's hope Filch doesn't come this way."

They stand in silence for a while, just enjoying the night.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" He asks suddenly. Lily is about to say that it might be a bit risky, considering she'd just passed Filch in the corridor, but then she remembers that he is in fact, the master of sneaking-around-undetected (well, she isn't so bad herself) and so she says "Yeah, let's go."

And so Lily and James set off. Initially, there is silence, with the two of them more focused on finishing their cigarette, but as they fall into a comfortable pace, Lily can feel her mood lifting even as the chilly autumn air blows on her. She finds herself looking at Potter, watching his jaw move as he inhales and blows out. The way his long fingers grip the cigarette. The way the light bounces off his dark, dark hair. She shakes her head a bit and looks up at the sky. Clouds swirl around the moon but half its face is clear and fierce in its ghostly light.

"How's Remus doing? He still has a couple of days, right? Until the full moon?" She finally asks. She watches Potter's face as he replies. She has never directly asked him about what Sirius jokingly calls 'Remus' furry-little-problem'. After she nearly died from it though, she thinks she at least has a right to ask.

He doesn't seem to mind, as he chucks the cigarette butt to the ground, blowing out the smoke one last time. "Yep. He has a few days. And then it's time to party," he says, grimacing.

Lily gives a small smile. "It's amazing. You guys being animagi. And that too at fucking fifteen? What were you thinking? You could have died!" She cries out with an incredulous laugh.

"Well, we weren't really thinking much, that's the point. And fourteen and a half, not fifteen." James tries to sound nonchalant, smirking that infamous arrogant smirk, but the smile in his eyes is warm as he looks at Lily.

"I really wish I was one. I'd like to know what I'd turn into. I have never even performed a Patronus. I hope mine's a tiger or something. Or a jaguar. Or a caracal. That'd be cool," Lily says. They're walking down towards Hagrid's hut, their hands occasionally brushing against one another's. She tries to focus on the conversation and not on his hands, or the long strides he takes. Or the way the smell of tobacco clings to him faintly.

"What's a caracal?" He asks, bringing her back to earth.

"It's part of the cat family. Um, sort of like a jungle cat; but with long, wide, pointy ears. It's found in Asia, I think."

"Oh. You want your animagus to be a cat!? Like McGonagall?" He laughs, "Don't let Peter ever hear you say that."

"Cats are amazingly intelligent creatures! And they're gorgeous too. And they can see brilliantly in the dark, and they have the most superior hunting skills – "

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Merlin, Lily!" He's still laughing and Lily finds herself joining him as well.

"I have a cat back home. I like cats," she says, shaking her head. Potter grins and she grins back and suddenly he shifts as though about to embrace her; but it's as though he's intercepted that thought before he could finish and they fall back into step, both facing forwards. Lily's stomach sinks.

"So what help is a rat, really, when it comes to controlling a werewolf?" She asks, partly to break the sudden awkwardness. James laughs.

"We didn't know that the fucking git was going to turn into a rat, now, did we? It's not any real physical help, but he wants to be there, obviously; he loves Moony just as much and we want him there. He's our friend. I'd want to be there, even if I was a rat. I actually feel sorry for the git sometimes; I'd hate not being able to do anything. But he's a big help after, when Sirius and I are too tired or injured to pay enough attention or do the healing spells properly." He says all this a bit fast and stops abruptly, as though afraid of what else might come out of his mouth.

Lily just nods in reply, not knowing what to say, how to react to this sudden inclusion into their secretive life. He even used Remus' nickname – Moony – which is not something she had ever heard from any of their mouths before this. They walk in silence once again. She wonders if he's thinking of that night. She knows she is. She wants to talk about it, to ask him something, _anything_ really; why did Sirius tell Snape, why were they outside the Shrieking Shack that night, why did he kiss her, why the fuck did he nearly die trying to save _her_ of all people when Sirius very nearly died himself –

"What did Snape say to you about that night?" He asks, breaking her mad stream of thoughts.

"Not much. Nothing, really. He just told me later on that you guys weren't what you seemed and that I shouldn't trust you and all that sort of rubbish. He didn't go into any specifics. He doesn't know that I was out there. He doesn't know that I know."

Lily looks at Potter. He's frowning, his hands running through his hair. She finds that her hands are doing the same to her own hair. They've stopped right in the middle of the grounds. It's deathly still, save for a few bats or something moving around in the trees which stand on the edges of the Forbidden Forest. She can see the dark shapes out of the corners of her eyes. Just like that night. Severus had been lying unconscious on the ground that night. She remembers seeing him for some reason, a dark outline in the distance behind when that thing had turned towards her -

Lily looks straight into Potter's eyes, as she speaks. They glint in the moonlight, behind his glasses. He looks straight back at her. Her heart is really starting to beat fast.

"In the hospital wing, while you were being treated, Dumbledore came to see me, explain it all to me; you know that. He, well, he told me not to tell Snape that I know as well. He made me promise to pretend like I wasn't there. He said that me knowing about it would give him more opportunity to talk about it, discuss it, try and find out more. Without having anyone else to talk about it to, Snape might just not think about it as much. He might not pursue it as much. I don't know, that's what Dumbledore said. I think he just doesn't want people talking about it. Anyway, I did as he told. I played dumb."

James listens intently. When she finishes he relaxes visibly. The creases on his forehead smoothen and he nods. "So the bastard can't talk about it to anyone yet. And he has no clue as to what happened with you. I could kill him, I swear. _And_ Sirius. If he opens his mouth – "

"Well he can't, remember, Dumbledore made him swear – "

"What was he fucking thinking, bringing you along, I swear, if anything had happened to you –"

Lily shuts up. So does James. Suddenly they're unable to look at each other. Lily feels her face getting hotter. They stand there awkwardly for a few seconds. Then Lily says, "Maybe we should call it a night. We have classes starting really early tomorrow morning and we have head duties and – "

"Yeah, let's do that," James cuts in. He looks annoyed, she notices, and something about his manner seems suddenly closed off. Still, she tries.

"Hey," she says, touching his arm gently, "Nothing happened to me, thanks to you. And whatever happened, it's over now, so let's not get so worked up about it, alright?" She wants to hold him, but she can't. God knows she can't. He nods, still not looking at her, but he lets her turn him towards the castle and they set off.

The walk back is much quicker, and quieter. It's colder too, so they hurry to get back into the warmth of the castle walls.

The torches radiate heat into their limbs as they step out of the night, into the corridor. They silently make their way back to the Common Room, pausing now and then to check for Filch. Just as they're nearing the portrait of the Fat Lady, Potter suddenly turns to Lily and says, "Why did you kiss me?"

That's what I was going to ask you, you fucking idiot, thinks Lily, but there is such a strange glow in his eyes that she stops. He's just standing there, looking at her. Not demanding; just waiting, his eyes soft. She remembers the desperation in the way they'd held each other. She remembers the heat of his mouth, his heart thudding against her chest. Her hands fumbling all over him. Do all boys tremble like that when they kiss? Her mind goes blank.

"Uh, I don't really…. James, you were badly hurt, and uh, I, I was just really happy to see you were okay, and I guess, I… was grateful to you, for saving my life, I – "

Instantly, his face hardens, his eyes lose their warmth. Something in the air between them breaks. "Hippogriff," he says to the Fat Lady and the portrait swings open.

"Good night Lily."

He barely turns around to even look at her face before he disappears into the Common Room and the door shuts. Lily's left standing there, chewing her lip. Her stomach churns almost painfully and her eyes sting.

"Hippogriff," she says, entering the empty Common Room, going straight to bed, knowing she really isn't going to sleep much tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Mary's long hair half covers her face as she bends her head over her parchment, biting her lip as she scribbles away furiously. Lily stares out the window in blank boredom. Looking at Mary, and at Sophie and Mark at the next table, she wishes she still had something left to do.

"Uh, do you mind helping? I'm in a bit of a fucking mess." Mary snaps at her without looking up. Lily sighs and picks up one of the numerous Potions textbooks lying around.

"Why do you have _so_ many? ' _My Experiments With Wolfsbane_ '? Honestly Mary, did you even read any of these before taking them?"

Mary mutters something and then furiously crosses out an entire line on her parchment. Lily picks up 'Advanced Potions: NEWT's Part 1' and settles down to find the chapter on 'Sleeping Draughts', which is the topic they have to submit an essay on.

They've just started to make a certain amount of progress, with Lily dictating bits to Mary as she writes, when Sirius Black bursts into the Common Room with characteristic panache, Remus behind him, rolling his eyes at whatever Sirius is whispering to him.

"Oi Head Girl, if you've got nothing to do tonight we were wondering if you might want to join us at the Astronomy Tower," Sirius slides into the seat beside Lily, adding, "After hours," with a knowing smirk. Remus sits down on the arm of Lily's chair and scoffs. "Could've been louder Sirius, I don't think Bloomhilt heard, at the back there."

Ignoring him, Sirius says, "Mary my love has already agreed to it. You're the only one. And you know I'd hate to start the year without my expert roller here."

Lily gives a surprised, but pleased laugh. "But, I haven't brought any with me. I mean, I have cigs, but not…."

"Remus my love has us sorted," Sirius folds his hands behind his head, "So what do you say?"

Lily opens her mouth to answer but Mary looks up and snorts, "Has she ever said no? Of course we'll be there. Now either go away or help me finish this assignment."

Sirius rolls his eyes and pulls up a table, setting up the chessboard as Remus settles down before him. Just as the room quiets down once again, someone bursts in, looking for the Head Girl.

"Slytherin Common Room, um, there's been a sort of, I don't know –," He starts, panicked, and Lily jumps up and follows him out without saying a word. The door shuts with a loud bang and everyone in the room stares after them in silence.

* * *

The two of them run as fast as they can, pushing past students, teachers, through ghosts; Lily asks where Potter is, and the boy replies that he's already on his way. Their feet thud through the corridors nearly as fast their hearts and Lily's mind conjures up the worst; she thinks of blood and cuts, jinxes; no, curses, the Cruciatus curse, the Killing curse; she imagines a child lying dead, James lying dead –

They reach the corridor outside the Slytherin Common Room to loud bangs and flashes of light; she can see a boy lying unconscious behind Mulciber and Avery and the Carrows as they duel Potter and Matthews; for a second she's relieved that Snape's not part of it, and then tense again; it's four against two and there's a small crowd gathering that is fortunately too scared to participate. A couple of the idiot Slytherins cheer them on. She turns to the boy who brought her and realizes he's only a kid. Fuck.

"Go straight to Dumbledore, don't stop for anyone, alright? Fast!"

He takes off and she makes her way through the crowd, casting a shield around them; a flash of green on the edge chills her blood and she immediately turns and casts 'Stupefy!' Her brain feels like it exploded.

There's a collective gasp as she moves towards the duel and sees Potter and Matthews gaping at her, panting like they just ran a mile. All the four Slytherins are out cold. She moves towards them in a daze. The boy lying there is alive, thank god; she can see his belly rising and falling lightly.

"You almost killed them Evans." She turns around to see Potter walking toward her. Seeing her panicked expression he laughs, "Hey, I'm not complaining, I kind of wish you really had." Matthews is busy wiping his face and trying to dismiss the crowd. Lily looks at Potter. Her brain hasn't stilled yet. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Are you?" She nods. She just stands there for a few long moments as he continues to look at her; the look in his eyes strange, but kind; last night's altercation seemingly forgotten. She gives him a sort of half-smile, which is all she can muster at that moment, pats his shoulder and turns back to the small boy who'd been attacked. She sits beside him, counting his pulse, checking his eyes; she can hear McGonagall's voice sending the other students off. Dumbledore makes his way to her from where the Slytherins lay and Slughorn stays back, standing above his students; looking on pathetically.

Dumbledore puts two fingers to the boy's neck. His lips move silently as he appears to be uttering some sort of incantation, his eyes cast upwards. It feels almost like a prayer. He then turns the boy's left palm outwards and Lily gasps; his inner forearm reveals several scars, curved lines running up his wrist to his elbow. Dumbledore sighs.

"Is that what I think it is?"

Lily looks up at McGonagall's quavering voice. Everyone's gathered around; the new Defence professor and Flitwick have joined them; Matthew's leaning against the wall nearby.

"Professor, if you would be so kind as to have them all taken to Madame Pomfrey, the boy will require some care when he wakes, as for the others; I think they're alright, just stunned. Please make sure they come to my office as soon as they revive. I hope our Prefects aren't hurt?" To which all three of them shake their heads vigorously. "Good, Horace, if you would accompany me to my office – ," Dumbledore stands up and everybody starts to move about; everyone, that is, except for the two Head students and Prefect, who stare at the confusion.

Dumbledore feels sorry for them and turns saying, "Voldemort's followers have a name, of which I'm sure you are aware. They also have a mark, a brand of sorts, cast on the left forearm precisely; it's called the 'Dark Mark' and only his most loyal followers are granted that honour." He says it with perfect solemnity but his lips curl at the word 'honour', as though smelling something foul. The three students continue to gape at Dumbledore.

"Are you saying they tried to brand this kid? Put the Dark Mark on him?" Lily's voice is loud.

Dumbledore shakes his head, "We can only know for sure once the four students responsible are conscious. Given their particular prejudices, though, I wouldn't be surprised if I was right. Oh, and, uh, Professor, please let me know when the boy awakens and – What is his name?"

"Zegwalter. Joshua Zegwalter." They all turn to Slughorn. He clears his throat, "He's a smart boy."

Everyone quickly makes their way to their assigned tasks, while the three prefects dazedly make their way out of there. Just as the three of them reach halfway down the opposite end of the corridor, Dumbledore calls out, "Oh, and good work students!"

His face, once again, looks haggard in the lamp light even as his eyes twinkle for a brief second before he moves away out of sight.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Lily! Oi! Head Girl!"

Lily turns around to see Benjy pushing his way through a thick group of first years towards her. His forehead is creased in a frown as he says "Were we ever that tiny? Or are kids these days shrinking?" jerking his thumb back at the crowd behind him.

"I dunno, I was tall. Always have been. _You_ were tiny though," Lily replies.

"Bullshit. I was never _that_ small. Where are you going? We have class." The corridor is busy and loud and Benjy is struggling to keep up with Lily.

"I know. I need to use the loo," she says. Benjy shakes his head in resignation as they take a turn into a completely deserted part of the castle. He stops. "You're not going into Myrtle's loo, are you?" He asks in panic.

"It's the closest one!"

"Good Lord," groans Benjy. Lily rolls her eyes. She continues walking and he follows.

"So what happened with Mulciber and Avery and the lot?" He asks cautiously. He turns to look at her face as she answers. She's frowning. "Well, the kid is fine; turns out Mulciber's really bad at branding spells so that kid's escaped with just some minor scars. The bad part is that he's in Slytherin, so this isn't the last he's gonna see of that lot."

"So they really were trying to brand him?" Benjy voice sounds hollow.

"Yes."

"With the Dark Mark? I thought only Voldemort could do that."

"Well, yeah, it wasn't the real Dark Mark, it's not like it would've actually worked; they were just trying to scare him. Apparently, Mulciber was giving some sort of sermon on the _Dark Lord's Way_ and how Muggles and Mudbloods have ruined Magic and all the usual shite in the Slytherin Common Room. The kid – his name is Joshua Zegwalter – stood right up and asked him how much Muggle blood he had –"

"That kid should be in fucking Gryffindor!" Benjy laughs incredulously.

" - I know! And you should see him, he's this tiny second year! Anyway, it didn't take much for them to beat him up." Lily sighs out.

"It's a good thing they decided to beat him up in the corridor or you guys wouldn't have been able to stop it."

Lily simply nods in reply.

"And what did Dumbledore say?"

"I dunno what he said, but he's suspended Mulciber from Hogsmeade _forever and_ from this term's exams, and the whole lot have gotten themselves detention, so – "

"Detention? That's it? What the fuck is wrong with Dumbledore? Why doesn't he just expel them!?" Benjy's voice echoes in the empty corridor. A few of the paintings turn to glare at them as they pass. One even tries to shush them.

"Isn't it obvious?" Lily says, "Dumbledore expels them, they'll just go straight to Voldemort. This way at least he gets to keep an eye on them, at least for a while."

"That doesn't make sense; they could leave whenever they like. They don't care about school. Dumbledore's detentions aren't bloody going to stop them from joining him. In fact, I don't even know why they bothered to attend this year."

"To learn new stuff. To study, why else. Voldemort might be psycho, but he is an extremely powerful wizard. And they're bloody idiots! Couldn't even do a proper branding! Fat chance of them becoming 'death eaters' if they continue on like this! He's not going to want idiots joining him, is he?"

"Only idiots join him Lily. What are you even blabbering?" Benjy wheezes through his laughter.

"You know what I mean," Lily says, laughing. "Have you even _seen_ the stuff we're doing this year? The unforgivable curses, the Patronus charm, all thirteen shield spells – "

"There's _thirteen_?" Benjy cries out, incredulous.

"Yeah and you have _no idea_ how difficult the other twelve are. And that's only a little bit of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Don't even get me started on Potions and fucking Transfiguration. God," Lily sighs. The entrance to the second-floor bathroom is empty as always. "Give me a sec," she says and goes in. Benjy can hear her and Moaning Myrtle exchange hellos. He grimaces.

"Myrtle was asking about you," Lily emerges after a few minutes, smirking. "Where is that handsome curly-haired boy?" she crows in imitation of Myrtle's voice. Benjy flips her off. Lily winks back at him, grinning mischievously. "Well, at least you have someone pining for you. Good to have back up, isn't it?" She laughs.

As they set off again, this time towards the Dungeons, Benjy says, "So you reckon they're here to learn more stuff. The curses and what not." Lily looks up at him, her expression very serious. "Yeah. And then they'll leave. Probably just before our N.E. begin." Benjy only nods in response, as though processing what she just said.

"It's all going to go to shit pretty soon, isn't it?" He says presently.

"Yeah, it's going to be bad," Lily sighs.

"We have our first Defense today, right? It's that McKinnon lady, isn't it?" He asks.

"Yep. I hope to God she's good." Lily replies.

"She must be. Dumbledore wouldn't have gotten her if she wasn't." Benjy stares at Lily for a few seconds, frowning in concentration.

Suddenly an impish smile breaks out on his face. "You like her, don't you? She's the one you were staring at, at dinner yesterday." Benjy says, grinning widely.

"Shut up! I don't like her. What bloody bullshit."Lily splutters.

Benjy laughs loudly at the sight of her cheeks reddening. "Of course you do. She's totally your type – curvy and pretty and brunette – " He says but Lily cuts him off -

"Oh shut it, don't even get me started on your crush on Remus, alright, God – "

To which Benjy gives a her a look of mock-horror and says, "How could you, Lil! I told you I was over him!" And so, bickering and laughing they finally reach the Dungeon.

* * *

"Ah! Lily, my dear girl. What took you so long? Come in, come in, I was just about to start class -," Professor Slughorn booms out loudly as the two of them try (and fail) to enter class as surreptitiously as possible.

Benjy mutters "And I don't even fucking exist," behind her and Lily tries to control a laugh from breaking out.

" - I have assigned partners for this year, let's see where we can put the two of you, Ah yes, you, my dear boy, please sit over here – " Slughorn drones on, pointing Benjy to a seat next to Millicent Edwards.

"Nice to see he remembers my name", Benjy says to Lily as he passes her. Lily shushes him in response.

"Lily, my dear, you can sit right here in front, next to Mr. Potter, yes, where was I – " Slughorn turns back to the blackboard and picks up a piece of chalk. All the laughter drains out of Lily as she makes her way to the front.

"Hi," she says, smiling a little as she sits down next to James Potter. She's not sure if it's because of the class or what, but her ears are buzzing and her stomach does that annoying flipping thing that it always does when in close proximity to Potter. He nods in reponse, his eyes focused on the board. She'd hoped they'd be back on talking terms after their wonderful team effort against the future death eaters just yesterday, but he doesn't even turn to look at her properly. Now she knows for sure that he is still pissed off. And now she's pissed off because how could he still be? They had a proper moment after and everything. Fuck. Fuck this idiot. Focus, she tells herself; but her heart's thudding and she's disproportionately upset over the fact that he refuses to even properly acknowledge her. A couple of years ago she would've been grateful for being ignored by him. Sighing at her stupid life, she opens her textbook to page 394, as directed.

The class seems to go on forever as Lily tries (and fails) to focus. Twice Slughorn nearly catches her dozing off and when he finally does stop talking, Lily jumps up from her seat, thinking it was time to leave, but then sees everyone cleaning their cauldrons and groans. Potter shoots her a look as he chops up the dried beetles. She checks her watch. Half an hour to go. She huffs as she wipes her cauldron and puts it down on the table with a loud _clang_. Potter gives her another annoyed look. She stares at him resentfully for a moment and catches Severus' eye by mistake. He's a few tables behind them and staring at Potter's back as though trying to burn holes into it.

Lily sighs.

They're supposed to make the Draught of Peace and Lily is too busy trying to avoid brushing against James Potter's elbow to care about her cauldron. Every time he reaches across her to pick up some herb or the other, she freezes. Fifteen minutes in, Severus is done with his potion and Slughorn claps loudly, praising its 'near perfection'. "I'd be hard pressed to improve on this. Well done, my boy, well done. Twenty points to Slytherin!" The students clap grudgingly; Sirius just scowls. Severus looks at his cauldron without smiling and then looks up at Lily. Potter turns around at that exact moment and catches their silent exchange, his face stony. He goes back to his potion. Severus busies himself with cleaning up his counter. Lily suddenly wants to laugh at how absurdly typical this is. Instead she bites her lip and gets to work.

Ten minutes later she's done and Slughorn is thumping her back loudly. "Well done Lily! It is perfect! I was wondering why you hadn't finished with yours yet. Very well, twenty points to Gryffindor. Off you go!"

The class claps a teeny bit louder this time; Mary smirks at Lily. Lily smiles at the professor as she thanks him and quickly cleans up her side of the table. She's dying to get out of there and barely even looks at a wildly gesticulating Mary. Potter looks up just in time to see the back of her head making its way to the door. He looks down at his cauldron again. He doesn't see her turn around to look at him just before she leaves.


End file.
